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How To Speak N00b - A Guide

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  • How To Speak N00b - A Guide

    EDIT: In an effort to keep the clutter down on this thread, I've split away all commentary into another thread. - Icemage

    Please post comments about this topic here:



    Episode 1 - Meet the N00b

    Hello, fellow adventurers. During your many travels through our beautiful land of Vana'diel, you may come across a very special and unique creature: the n00b.

    The n00b is a remarkable creature as it disguises itself as a regular citizen of Vana'diel. This is the n00b's primary form of attack as it will allow the wily n00b to get quite close to you before inflicting damage. Luckily, their disguises are usually poor and can be identified as their armor may be several levels out of date. Also, the n00b disguise is based on a sad misunderstanding our common culture as their equipment may not reflect the job they are trying to portray.

    Be careful not to confuse a n00b with a similar species known as the newb. Newbs can be distinguished from n00bs by their use of proper grammar and good manners.

    A n00b can be identified by it's distinct call. This call can be heard from quite a distance as most n00bs seem to only communicate through /shout. If you listen carefully, you may be fortunate enough to spot a n00b.

    Here are some examples of common n00b calls:

    "PLZ can i hav sum gilz!!!"
    "Sum1 buy my sword!!!"
    "Ne girlz wanna ciber?!!"

    Now, once you have identified a n00b, I must recommend that you stay as far away as possible. Unless you have a great deal of experience with n00bs, any interaction may be harmful to both your physical and mental well being.

    If, however, you choose to interact with a n00b, this simple translation guide may help you. Here is a look at a simple conversation with a n00b including a n00b to english translation.

    You>> Hello there. How are you?

    N00b>> wow u r rich. Can I have gilz? (english: I notice that you have nice gear and wonder if you might be able to aid me in acquiring my own gear)

    You>> No, no, good sir. I worked for my gil. You may not have it.

    N00b>> but you gotz lotz!!! (english: I understand your feelings on the matter, but find it difficult to actually acquire my own gil)

    You>> I know, but I cannot just give you money.

    N00b>> N00B!!! (english: apparently I am confused and think you may be a member of my species. Do you know Fred?)

    You>> I apologize for the misunderstanding. I am not a n00b.

    N00b>> STFU!!! (english: I am of a differing opinion and feel that it might be best if we agree to disagree)

    As you can see from the above conversation, interspecies communication with a n00b can prove highly difficult.

    In all interactions with a n00b, please take care to leave the n00b as you found it. Their social structure is quite fragile and any assistance you may provide may raise them to a new and dangerous level: the ferocious asshat.

    Thank you for your time. Remember: have your n00bs spayed or neutered.
    Last edited by Icemage; 05-15-2006, 03:37 PM.

  • #2
    Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

    Episode 2 – N00bs and Denial

    As an addendum to this guide, I would like to point out that another problem may arise when communicating with n00bs.

    Because the n00b disguise is fairly similar to what an actual person might wear, it is common that n00bs may suffer from an identity crisis. Indeed, the majority of n00bs may believe they are not n00bs. Fooled by their own disguise, they assume that since they resemble a good player, they must be a good player.

    We are currently conducting a study on whether this is based on naturally low intelligence or the result of several blows to the head as a child. Results are pending.

    Here is an example of a common interaction with a n00b undergoing an identity crisis. Please note that our researcher is careful not to identify the creature as a n00b for fear it might grow defensive and assume an attack posture.

    You>> I do not mean to bother you, but are you aware that you have an underleveled sub?

    N00b>> STFU i r teh 1337. (english: You must be mistaken, good sir or madam. I believe myself to be a quite a good player. On an unrelated matter, I also apparently enjoy math)

    It is at this point our researcher realizes that this n00b is going through an identity crisis. Let's watch what happens.

    You>> I simply mean that a 15 warrior with a level 2 white mage sub may not be as effective.

    N00b>> OMG u sux0rz. (english: I am not pleased with your last remark)

    You>> I'm sorry. I was just trying to help.

    N00b>> ???? u in ur ????ing ??? you ????ing ???? (english: apology accepted and I hope you have a good day)

    It is at this point that the n00b will usually become frightened and run away. Commonly, this will be accompanied by threats of retribution from a non-existant level 75 "friend".


    • #3
      Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

      Episode 3 - Understanding the n00b

      As many of you may understand, it can be quite frustrating to find, communicate with and eventually train a n00b. Looking on such a pitiful creature, it is quite common to take a more philanthropic approach to interaction and attempt to work with a n00b that they might find a place in society.

      This is bad.

      One of the key characteristics of the n00b species is their complete inability to learn new ideas. Imagine the old phrase "You can't teach an old dog new tricks", but replace the dog with a brick or cheese sandwich. The n00b will instinctively resist all form of advice of help despite any detriment this may cause.

      N00bs will also react violently to any and all interaction. This is actually a defense mechanism that allows them to remain unscathed by such weapons as education and basic logic.

      Once you understand that the n00b language has a naturally high, angry tone, one can translate phrases into a more basic or sane context. Observe.

      N00bish: STFU 4ear my 1337 ski11z!!11one!eleven

      English: I may act tough, but on the inside I'm crying like a little girl. Can I have a hug?

      N00bish: dis game sux0rz!!!

      English: I have come up against a challenge and rather than work harder, I have decided to devote myself to my true passion: Interpretive dance.

      Though the natural n00b language can sound quite fearful and aggressive, this tone can disguise the true intent of the words spoken.

      If you would like to speak to a n00b, I suggest that you do so with great caution. Any interaction can cause interesting side effects. You can actually save yourself the time by simply inserting your fingers through your eye and swirling them around in your brain.

      In closing, my suggestion as a trained n00b handler would be to observe the n00b in their natural habitat, but to remain at a safe distance.

      _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

      Author's note: Yes, this is my series. Reposting it here due to the Alla exodus.


      • #4
        Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

        Episode 4 - Like Jane Goodall

        In our on going research series on the infamous n00b species, we decided that it might be educational to actually attempt to enter their society disguised as one of their own. In this way, we could gain new understanding as to their social hierarchy.

        Also, it should be good for a giggle.

        Our intrepid researcher first fashioned a n00b disguise. As he was a level 12 WAR, he of course subbed his level 3 whm and donned two Eremite's Rings, his starting RSE armor, and a scythe (for a n00b ritual known as "Ibeedurklatur"). Sufficiently n00bized, we observed from a short distance as our researcher joined a small herd of n00bs in Valkurm Dunes.

        Attention: this researcher has studied the n00b language extensively. Do not try this at home.

        Researcher>> OMGLOLORZ u needz a tank! (english: rather than ask if you need someone of my job class, I shall assume I am needed)

        N00b1>> u r war/whm!!! dood, we gotz a pld! (english: by examining you job and subjob choices, I have decided that you might be a welcome addition to our team)

        N00b2>> kewl!!! (english: hooked on phonics worked for me!)

        Researcher>> Where's camp? (english: where's camp?)

        N00b1>> wut? (english: Ironically, I do not understand what you just said)

        Researcher>> were iz camp 2? (english: where's camp?)

        N00b1>> pugz buy beach (english: I'm a masochist)

        N00b2>> pugz is sweet xp!!! (english: I'm a moron)

        Researcher>> rn't pugz a little too tuff? (english: if I'm not mistaken, we're going to get gang raped by ugly fish)

        At this point in the interaction, N00b1, the party leader, takes this as challenge to his leadership. In order to maintain his status in the group, he defends his idea in a logical and intelligent manner.

        N00b1>> STFU!!! PUGZ IZ GUD XP!!11! (english: are you certain? My Brady Guide says pugils are a good target)

        Our researcher, not to be frightened off, reflects upon his years of study into n00b culture and chooses a response that accurately reflects his respect and succinctly explains his own position.

        Researcher>> ur mom!!! (english: no, no, my friend. I believe pugils may be above our level)

        N00b1>> U R TEH N00b!!11one1eleven!! (english: I was scared by a grammar book as a child)

        It was at this point that our researcher suffered a brain aneurism and died.

        Today's lesson: Partying with n00bs will cause you to die. Painfully. Very painfully. Like a white hot poker jammed into your brain.



        • #5
          Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

          Episode 5 - The N00b as a Pet

          Some of you intrepid adventurers may feel the desire to take a n00b as a pet. Something you can train and fashion into a companion. The n00b offers an interesting challenge in this respect, but one that can be undertaken.

          Note: Do not confuse the word "can" with the word "should".

          Because the n00b is born in the wild, they will instinctively resist all forms of behavior modification. Suggestions like "that will get you killed" and "level your sub, n00b" will go unheeded. A resourceful adventurer can train a n00b, but only with a great deal of work.

          Step 1) Catching your own n00b

          This is actually rather easy. Offer the n00b some gil or a free piece of equipment (making sure it is severely below their level and of no real use so that the n00b will want it). Once this is completed, you now have your very own n00b.

          They will follow you wherever you go. They will send you tells asking for "more gilz" or help with something called a Kwest. This can actually be likened to our own Quests, but differ as the n00b will have no idea where to go, what to do, and will not have the proper items required.

          Congratulations, you now have your own n00b. Whether you like it or not.

          Step 2) Teaching your own n00b

          This part of our procedure is quite frustrating, though sometimes amusing. You can teach your n00b the basic strategies used by actual players through a strict plan of letting them die. A lot.

          You then offer them some advice and after they ignore it and die some more, they may slowly come around and accept basic thoughts.

          It is important to remember though that a n00b is a n00b. You must force this information on them and they will still act stupidly. Very stupidly.

          Step 3) Housebreaking you n00b

          This portion of the process is often were most n00b owners break down and end up flushing their pet down the nearest toilet.

          In order to speak with your new pet, you may want to offer them a place in your linkshell. This, however, can be disastrous as n00bs are frightened of smarter people and may react violently.

          Let us look at a common new pet- linkshell exchange shall we.

          (Player1) Everyone meet my new pet... err... friend, n00b.
          (n00b) h3110
          (Player2) What the hell was that?
          (Player3) Ummm... Hi, I guess.
          (Player1) Give him a chance guys.
          (n00b) h3110 <call4>
          (n00b) h3110 <call2>
          (Player3) Could you please stop that?
          (n00b) STFU N00b!!11one!
          (Player1) NO! Bad n00b! BAD!

          As you can see, the n00b does not work well with others and is prone to angry outbursts. For the safety of yourself and your linkshell, I suggest you avoid taking a n00b as a pet.

          Remember: n00bs may be cute and mildly amusing, but in the long run, they're more trouble than they're worth.


          • #6
            Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

            Episode 6 - N00b Migration

            One of the most interesting characteristics of the n00b species is their attention span. Or lack thereof. A n00b will actually lose interest in any event for any of the following reasons:

            1) they do not get excessive amounts of gil/exp in minimal time
            2) they are not responsible for ruining someone's day
            3) they saw something shiny

            Truly, each member of the n00b species has an attention span rivaling that of the common mosquito. Because of this, n00bs will often migrate from one game area to another long before they should. Far more dangerous though, is their tendency to move into other online areas.

            The worst example of the n00b species is the "Forum N00b." Forums exist as a means of global communication, discussion, and support. People use them to assist one another in our lives as adventurers.

            N00bs, however, often find their way into these forums and, rather than actually help, will go out of their way to make trouble. This again is due mostly to translation difficulties between the n00b language and english.

            Let's look at some examples.

            N00b>> how do i getz lotz of gilz fast? I want 2 no how 2 make 5 jillion gil in 3 minutes or less. (english: rather than actually take the time to work hard and earn my gil over an appropriate time period, I will assume that someone must have a secret source of funds and that they will share it with me just because I asked)

            N00b>> u dont need sniperz! I iz lvl 5 drk and i hit jus fine. (english: I do not understand the actual issue being discussed, but rather than research, I will base my own "expert" advice on my overly abundant experience)

            N00b>> I find this guide rather worthless, and doesn't really seem that funny to me... (english: my sense of humor was lost in a horrible, yet tragically ironic farming accident. I, therefore, stab angrily at anyone who is considered funny because their own success makes me feel inferior. Because I am unable to put an issue in my own creative, humorous slant, I must assume that noone else can ever be funny. Won't someone please hold me?)

            As you can see, in each instance, the n00b brings no useful information or thought to any discussion. They are more a waste of time and space.

            In the end, looking upon the distruction caused by n00b migratory habits, one must wonder why they even bother. One must wonder why they take time out of their busy day of listening to bad emo music and trying to convince themselves that they're really cool, to access a worldwide network that makes their deficiencies readily apparent.

            Do the humane thing. If you meet a n00b, hold them under water until they stop kicking. The world will thank you.

            _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

            Note: Just kidding, Sweetkitty.

            _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

            Might I ask why this post was moved?

            I PMed an admin before posting to specifically ask where I should post this thread. While I agree that it is fictional in nature, I felt the discussion of in-game n00bs was more of a general discussion than a fan fiction discussion.

            If I'm wrong, I apologize. I was just wondering why the thread was moved.
            Last edited by Taodyn; 05-12-2006, 08:05 AM.


            • #7
              Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

              Episode 7 - N00b is contagious

              Oh, thank goodness. Our study has hit a major setback. We have finally returned from a harrowing ordeal. Many researchers were lost to bring you this information.

              As part of our study, we decided to track the movements and behavior of the newb as it might relate to the n00b species.

              It is a common misconception that n00bs and newbs are members of the same species. This is not true. They do share many similar traits, but the newb species is non-hostile and usually well tempered.

              Newbs will often have similar plumage to the n00b. Their equipment may not be level or job appropriate and their subjob may not reflect their role in society. This, however, is simply based on inexperience due to young age. Newbs will mature naturally into normal players given time and proper guidance.

              Unfortunately, newbs can contract n00bism if they come into contact with a n00b during their development.

              Our research team was attempting to infiltrate a group of newbs when a horrible discovery was made: a n00b was hiding amongst their number. He quickly went about his work spreading misinformation and ideas.

              OH THE HORROR!

              The n00bism quickly spread through the newbs until they mutated. It was horrendous. WTFs and OMGs flew madly through the air and many of my people were caught in the tide.

              A group of five unsuspecting and quite normal newbs had been transformed into grammarless monsters. Numbers took the place of letters! It was pure madness! WHMs were pulling, WARs stopped voking.

              We barely escaped with our lives.


              • #8
                Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                Episode 8 - The Regressive N00b

                Among the n00b species, there is a very odd variation known as the Regressive N00b (latin name: Thesis Misub).

                Occasionally, a more experienced player will regress backwards into n00b tendencies while attending to lower level tasks. They get disoriented by the change in role (and also shiny objects), and take on the behavioral traits of the more common n00b.

                Luckily, we have managed to capture a regressive n00b for study.

                Well... by capture, we mean that we went to Kazham and just ended up with one. It happens a lot.

                Let's take a look at a common exchange with a regressive n00b:

                Player1: Guys, I found a WAR/MNK
                Player1: {Hello!} {Nice to meet you.}
                RegressiveN00b: hi
                Player2: umm... why are you wearing lizard gear?
                Player1: And you're using a dagger?!
                RegressiveN00b: o thesis misub

                We are not quite certain why the Regressive n00b repeats their own latin name, but it appears to be a common part of their language as they repeat it as a defense to any of their actions.

                Player1: You don't have Cure II?
                RegressiveN00b: thesis misub
                (Translation: I apparently do not understand how the "party" system works and assume that you will allow me to leech exp from you. I am a plague on both you and society in general.)

                Player1: Why are you using a scythe?
                RegressiveN00b: thesis misub
                (Translation: It took me long enough to learn how to use this weapon. I'm not learning another one.)

                Player1: Why are you not wearing pants?
                RegressiveN00b: I'm a moron
                RegressiveN00b: ... and thesis misub
                (Translation... no, that's a pretty good translation right there. They're morons.)

                It seems that when regressive n00bs take part in lower level tasks, they like to increase the challenge by not using the correct equipment, food, spells, or prerequisite grammar.

                Now, it should be pointed out that normal players will not regress in such a fashion. The individual must be a member of the n00b species (no matter how well disguised) in order to regress like this.


                • #9
                  Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                  Episode 9: The n00b's abilities

                  Now you may ask yourself how such a useless, destructive creature as the n00b can continue to survive. You are probably asking yourself this because you want them to die.

                  That's normal.

                  You may also be asking youself are there any special abilities that the n00b possesses that we should be aware of?

                  You talk to yourself a lot, you know.

                  Anyway, our research team has spent excessive amounts of time observing the n00b species in their natural habitat and have recorded a lengthy list of n00b abilities.

                  Passive Traits

                  Level 1 - Conserve letters I
                  - this ability causes the n00b to use as few letters as possible while trying to communicate (ex. ur, u, sum)
                  - may be accompanied by excessive drooling

                  Level 5 - Lack of subtle blow
                  - this causes the n00b to speak at both great length and great volume about obviously offensive topics

                  Level 10 - Resist Logic
                  - this ability enables the n00b to resist any form of coherent thought and instead rely on their own instincts (ie. stupidity)

                  Level 18 - Lack of Sub
                  - n00bs will often continue on beyond what is expected of them without a subjob, therefore hindering their ability to do their job

                  Level 20 - Lack of Sub II
                  - n00bs will still try to continue on without a subjob despite people yelling at them and pointing out the stupidity of it

                  Level 30 - Whine
                  - at this point, n00bs will start whining incessantly for help to do an advance job quest. They will have no idea what to do or where to go and may have to be carried.

                  Level 30 - Resist Logic II
                  - now equipped with an advance job, n00bs will become convinced of their own "uberness", and refuse to accept any advice.

                  Active Abilities

                  Level 1 (2 hour) - Extreme Annoyance
                  - when used, this ability causes any player in the surrounding area to become extremely frustrated and want to quit
                  - this ability is used automatically when the timer reaches zero
                  - this ability lasts 2 hours

                  Level 10 - Party Wipe
                  - when used, this ability causes the n00b to do something so incredibly stupid that God decides multiple people need to die for it
                  - this ability has no recast timer

                  Level 20 - Aggro
                  - when used, the n00b will instantly aggro everything in the area and then bring it to camp
                  - this is actually an interesting ability as party members can wager on what horribly grisly death is being brought to them

                  Level 25 - Flee (from responsibility)
                  - this ability causes the n00b to deny all accusations of misconduct or stupidity
                  - often followed by "LEEEEEEEEEERRRROOOOOYYYYYY JENKINS!"

                  Level 40 - Convert
                  - unlike the RDM convert, this ability allows the n00b to convert a perfectly simple task into multiple frustrations and multiple deaths

                  As you can see, the n00b ability list is extensive. Sadly, the list is also easy to navigate, so n00bs have little difficulty using this ability. Seriosuly, these guys can't tie their own shoes without a manual and yet they can wipe out an alliance quite easily.

                  Now, while many of these abilities may sound useful or interesting, it is important to note that these abilities actually override the regular abilities of any job class. But hey, who needs Provoke when you're a Paladin anyway?

                  Please, observe the n00b from a distance. All abilities are AoE and can affect people within a large radius.

                  Note: No n00bs were hurt during this study. We killed them. All of them. Then we burned the bodies and salted the earth. Then we burned the earth. A lot.


                  • #10
                    Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                    Episode 10 - N00b : Flu :: Asshat : Ebola Virus

                    Our research vessel is once again laid just off the coast of the Qufim Islands. I have spent a great deal of time here, studying the natural evolution of the n00b species.

                    I happened across these islands on one of my first voyages as an adventurer. As my companions sat mystified by an enormous tower seemingly built from bone, I found myself drawn to a species of animal I had only heard about: the n00b.

                    It was here, as I spent several weeks toiling away, that I first started to formulate my theories on the n00b. I saw how each one had evolved specific traits that were unique to its environment and genetics.

                    It was also here that I formulated my ultimate hypothesis: the theory of n00b selection (or survival of the dumbest).

                    As n00bs progress, their natural inabilities will make it harder and harder for them to survive. Hell, half of them probably need to be reminded to breathe. Rather than die off though, most n00bs will develop traits that enable them to adapt to their environment.

                    The Screamer is a personal favourite of mine. This variation of the n00b is often mocked for its odd plumage and ineffectiveness. Many real players would take this as a sign that a change is needed, but the Screamer will go immediately on the defensive.

                    Player1>> You know, you really shouldn't be wearing starting RSE in Qufim.
                    N00b /sh STFU mi gear iz 1337
                    (Translation: I humbly disagree. Besides, these pants look nice on me)

                    This is a natural defense mechanism that has evolved through over 9 centuries of development. It is also quite effective in this respect because noone would ever want to go near this person ever again.

                    Unfortunately, evolution sometimes causes the development of a new species. In the case of the n00b, natural evolution amongst a particular subgroup resulted in the evolution of a highly aggressive, higly dangerous new animal:

                    The Asshat

                    Though we are unable to determine why, members of this species actually take pleasure in causing discomfort or injury to others.

                    Recent CT scans have indicated that this behavior may be caused by unique brain development. Where most people would have the logic centers of the brain that dictate right from wrong, the Asshat has only a swirling vortex of stupidity.

                    Because of this, any event that would cause the normal logic centers to be activated instead results in mindless aggression.

                    Also, there is a high tendency toward Tourette's syndrome, as these people seem unable to control their own mouths. This is so rampant that swearing has become a major part of the Asshat language.

                    Here we see a common Asshat dialogue:

                    Asshat1>> WTF? (Translation: Something is wrong)
                    Asshat2>> WTH? (Translation: Are you okay?)
                    Asshat1>> #$^&in RDM wont Refresh me
                    Asshat2>> y teh #$^& not? (Translation: Did they perhaps explain why?)
                    Asshat1>> he #$^&in says cuz i'm a #$^&in THF (Translation: I was dropped as a child. A lot. I mean a whole lot.)
                    Asshat2>> #$^& dat #$^&in #$^&er n da @*&!

                    As you can see, these words are an integral part of their communication and are often accompanied by hand gestures.

                    We are unsure what the hand gestures mean, but apparently the number one is also of great importance in their discussions.

                    The Asshat should be avoided at all costs, but this can sometimes be difficult. Members of this species thrive on attention and will go out of their way to get it. This often results in them attacking entire groups ust so they can be the focus of attention.

                    It's quite sad really.

                    Where the n00b is annoying by nature, the Asshat makes a practice of disrupting the world around it. In order to save our world from further stupidity, please do not feed the Asshats.


                    • #11
                      Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                      Episode 11: Questing with your n00b

                      So, you've gone to all the trouble of training your n00b. What now?

                      For an extra challenge (and by challenge, we mean aneurysm), try taking your n00b on a quest. This is a great way for you to bond with your new pet.

                      Hopefully, you have a great deal of patience.

                      Or you can just abandon it in Xarcabard. Either way, funny.

                      The process of questing with your n00b is different from our own quest process. A n00b "kwest" involves:

                      Step 1) Initiating a Quest

                      Your n00b assures you that he/she/it has both the correct job and fame level to begin the quest. You set out to start the quest.

                      Step 2) Finding the correct NPC

                      Your n00b will know that the quest is started by someone somewhere. It's probably a guy who lives in a town. Or not. Maybe. He looka like a man.

                      At this point you can a) take a power drill to your temple or b) ask for help.

                      Seriously consider the drill.

                      Step 3) Starting the Quest

                      After locating the correct NPC (who was neither a guy nor living in a town), your n00b talks to the NPC

                      Step 4) Frustration Begins

                      Your n00b will not have the correct job or fame level. They will also have chosen the wrong quest. They will not know where to go or what to do.

                      You now have to help your n00b attain the proper level in both job and fame to initiate the quest. This will cost you:

                      a) time
                      b) money
                      c) your sanity

                      At this point, you should probably be wondering why you are even bothering.

                      We don't know either.

                      Step 5) Starting the Quest II

                      Your n00b has now forgotten what NPC they talked to and where it was. You lead them back to the NPC. Your n00b talks to the NPC.

                      Step 6) Vital Information

                      You ask your n00b what the NPC said. They say something about a guy with a thing. He may have been bad. Or not.

                      Again, power drill or ask for help. Power drill, help. Power drill, help.

                      A black and decker cordless drill is not expensive.

                      But alas, like a lemming over a cliff, you continue.

                      Step 7) Going to the Place

                      The actual journey to the next location will be a long one so you opt for a Teleport. You take your n00b to Jeuno, hire a White Mage to port you and set out for parts unknown.

                      Step 8) Frustration Continues

                      So you're walking back to Jeuno to get your n00b. When you get there, you're going to stab him with a teleport crystal.

                      I don't blame you.

                      Step 9) Going to the Place II

                      Since Teleports are out, you head to the chocobo stable. You pay your 1000 gil (after giving 1000 gil to you n00b just to be sure), hop on a chocobo and ride out.

                      As you zone, you hear "Whas a choboco license?"

                      Step 10) Going to the Place III

                      So now you're walking.

                      Step 11) Finally, the Battle

                      You make it to the next location and get ready to start the event. You use your expensive food and run through your entire series of buff spells. You're ready.

                      Your n00b uses their food. They're a 30 BLM/07 THF so of course they use a Boiled Crayfish. They run through their one buff spell. Cure. They're "ready".

                      You both step up and...

                      Step 12) Frustration Continues II

                      So the guy with the thing was actually an item you needed. Your n00b, of course, does not have this item.

                      You're shocked, I'm sure.

                      Step 13) The Journey Home

                      You set off for home with your n00b. Half way there, you beat him/her/it to death.

                      The world seems just a little bit smarter.

                      And thus ends your n00b quest.

                      The process is long and arduous. I would suggest instead that you get your own NPC Adventuring Fellow. They are just like a n00b pet, but not as stupid.

                      You can also replace your n00b with a cheese sandwich.

                      While n00b questing can offer great rewards, usually, they are not worth the overwhelming, horrible, massive, megagundam frustration.

                      Just buy them whatever the reward is. If the reward is rare/ex, give them a bronze sword and tell them it's the same thing. They won't know the difference.

                      If you do insist on trying this, I have one piece of advice:

                      Buy a power drill.


                      • #12
                        Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                        Episode 12: Changes to the n00b job

                        The most recent patch has changed several characteristics of the n00b job. Also, changes to other jobs may affect your interaction with n00bs.

                        From:FINAL FANTASY XI
                        Dec. 20, 2005 09:20 [PST]

                        FINAL FANTASY XI Update (Dec. 20)

                        At the following time, we performed a FINAL FANTASY XI version update.

                        *The client software will also be updated at this time. Once this maintenance is completed, the client update will start automatically after logging back into FINAL FANTASY XI. Please follow the instructions that appear on your screen.

                        [Affected Period]
                        May. 17 2006 from 9:00 to 11:00 (PST)

                        [Affected Services]
                        FINAL FANTASY XI

                        [Update Details]
                        The following issues have been addressed:

                        - noob Ranking is now available

                        While n00b training is not supported by Square Enix, we do understand that some players have taken the time to capture and train n00bs.

                        Players will now be able to speak with a specific NPC in each starting city to have their n00b ranked.

                        Ranking goes as follows:
                        Rank 1 - Retarded
                        Rank 2 - Slightly Less Retarded
                        Rank 3 - Functionally Retarded

                        - Certain n00bs disappearing then reappearing repeatedly

                        This issue arose from people giving money and/or items to n00bs. This would result in those n00bs constantly appearing around you asking for more.

                        Those n00bs will now be transported directly to Mordion Gaol and given a key item "slippery soap".

                        - Incorrect naming of n00bs in Valkurm

                        All n00bs currently active in their home region of Valkurm Dunes will be given a special icon so that they can be distinguished from other, good players.

                        This new icon resembles a skull and crossbones, as these n00bs bring not but death to any in their path.

                        - The n00b Two-hour ability has been changed

                        Their previous two-hour ability "Extreme Annoyance" has been changed to a 20 minute timer.

                        Their new two-hour ability is called "Stupidity Surge"

                        Level 1 (2 hour) - Stupidity Surge
                        - when used, this ability causes an instant -999 drop to their already low INT stat
                        - this ability also affects other n00b active abilities

                        a) Party Wipe
                        - when the two-hour ability "Stupidity Surge" is in effect, all parties in the surrounding area will also be horribly killed.

                        b) Aggro
                        - when the two-hour ability "Stupidity Surge" is in effect, monsters from other zones may also spawn and instantly kill you.

                        - this ability lasts 2 hours

                        - The n00b owner ability /leave has been adjusted

                        Now when a n00b owner uses the /leave command on their n00b pet, that pet will almost instantly be killed by a nearby monster.

                        Shortly after, they will respawn in Valkurm Dunes.
                        Please make sure you take these adjustments into account before interacting with a n00b.


                        • #13
                          Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                          Episode 13 - N00bs and Attention Span

                          One of the most interesting characteristics of the n00b species is there horrendously short attention span.

                          By the time a n00b would finish reading this sentence, they would have forgotten what they were reading.

                          Now, this short attention span expresses itself in the n00b sociological behavior in a number of ways:

                          1) the "what the hell happened?" death

                          This occurs quite often while interacting with a n00b.

                          An experience party will be going along just fine when suddenly the n00b will become distracted. Possibly from seeing a shiny object or hearing the word "boob".

                          This distraction, if poorly timed (as they always are), will lead to several deaths and possibly a full party wipe.

                          These deaths will then be met with the n00b saying "What the hell happened?" and not understanding how anyone could have died just because the White Mage stopped curing.

                          2) the unexpected AFK

                          Normal party behavior can become monotonous. Playing the same role and using the same tactics can strain the fragile n00b mind.

                          Their naturally short attention span will exert itself as a defense mechanism againt this monotony and will draw the n00b away from their keyboard.

                          The n00b, of course, will not distract or bother the rest of the party by warning them of his/her impending absense. Instead, he will leave it for them to figure out as they are all pummeled to death.

                          The n00b will then return confused. Please see number 1.

                          3) Newjobitis

                          This short attention span will also express itself in the form of a syndrome we at the n00b research centre call "Newjobitis".

                          As soon as a new job is made available, whether it makes sense or not, a n00b will suddenly lose interest in their current job and will take up this new job.

                          I mean why let an underleveled sub be wasted on an old job.

                          This helps the n00b's attention span as they have a new frontier on which to pioneer new levels of stupidity.

                          Thus, there will be a flood of practically retarded people with new jobs.

                          We think this may be related to a natural flocking mechanism or possibly an inate instinct to return to their natural habitats of Valkurm and Qufim.

                          We're running some tests.

                          And by test, I mean we're torturing n00bs and taking pictures. I'll put a plastic cover on it and BOOM, scientific research.

                          I love science.


                          • #14
                            Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                            Episode 14 - RMT: The N00b Enabler

                            This is a public service announcement.


                            We have made a startling discovery in our research on the n00b species. Apparently, certain organizations have devoted themselves to the artificial evolution of n00bs.

                            They are actively trying to increase n00b populations by interfering with the normal development of the newb and causing horrible mutations.

                            Interfering with the delicate balance of evolution can have very drastic and very serious side effects. These groups, however, seem to ignore the potential disaster our world of Vana'diel faces if their work continues.

                            It seems agents of these organizations supply both n00bs and newbs with items and gil that they otherwise would have to cleect themselves.

                            Now, the process of collecting these items through normal methods is a vital part of a newbs natural evolutionary process.

                            By providing these items without the newb actually having to undergo the learning process, the organizations seriously stunt the development of the average player.

                            Newbs that otherwise might have lead normal, fulfilling, not horribly annoying lives become twisted into the dangerous n00b.

                            But not only does this affect their development, it also leads to serious addiction and reliance on these services.

                            The n00b will now be forever bonded to these suppliers as they are unable to fend for themselves.

                            These suppliers could be likened to drug dealers, but instead of drugs, they seem to be pushing stupidity.

                            How can you tell if your n00b has been using RMT?

                            Here are some warning signs:
                            1) n00bs wearing high level and even appropriate gear
                            2) n00bs with a seemingly endless supply of gil
                            3) n00bs becoming irritable when the first of the month rolls around
                            4) bloodshot eyes
                            5) n00bs actually saying "yah I bye gilz!!one1!"

                            What do you do if your n00b is hooked on the RMT?

                            Kill it.

                            Kill it dead.

                            Hell, kill it even if it isn't on RMT.

                            Kill it if it can spell RMT.

                            Trust me. You'll be much happier that you put the n00b out of OUR misery.

                            Thank you.

                            P.S. Kill it.


                            • #15
                              Re: How To Speak N00b - A Guide

                              LMAO... You hit the nail on the head. They should include this in the next FFXI Official Guide Book. Thanks, very entertaining.