Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

[NightShayde]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Yyg - just read one day of it at a time. The way she's broken it up makes it pretty easy to do that.

Ask -- no need to apologize! You're not obligated to do this (though you're entertaining me at work & I could use more entertainment ... but I just found work to do so I'm good for the moment).

[Yygdrasil]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Yyg - just read one day of it at a time. The way she's broken it up makes it pretty easy to do that.

Ask -- no need to apologize! You're not obligated to do this (though you're entertaining me at work & I could use more entertainment ... but I just found work to do so I'm good for the moment).

Im reading day 1 now. I think that's how I'll do it. 1 day at a time

[Aksannyi]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Day Six: Monday, March 7, 2011

Well, it's another school day, and as usual, we're rushing like crazy in the morning to get the kids to school on time. It turns out from the homework assignments I'd looked up last night that we have to stop at a little store and get Lalito a piece of posterboard for some in-school project. Since we'd looked up the homework assignment so late (okay, since I did), it didn't make sense to go out and get anything. I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing places close earlier in Mexico than they do in the States. This may be a hunch, but in six years, having visited Mexico numerous times, I've never been to a store after dark.

Anyway, Mari runs into the store and buys what she needs to buy. I start to think now that this is one of the last days I'm going to have with my kids. And it feels like I just got here. I choke back some tears. I don't want to think about that now - I just want to enjoy the time I do have.

She comes back out, tells Lalito to put the posterboard and some crayons in his backpack (mochila, which is a word I learned this week and there's a good chance I spelled it wrong but most Spanish is easy to just "sound it out") and we head over to the school, which is just a couple of blocks away. We drop Lalito off, and then we drop Nicholas off. Nothing special there, except I can see inside Lalito's school, in the "quad" looking area in the center of the school, they're all formed up for something. I ask Mari about it, and apparently they do some sort of Monday ceremonial thing. I don't really understand enough Spanish to really know what's going on, but later when we drop Angel off (after we had to head over to Faby's to pick him up, since he was still there) I notice his school is also formed up, so I guess this is common in Mexico. I didn't know it at the time, but it would be the last time I'd see Faby and Isai during this vacation. I would have given Faby a hug, for sure. But I will be back.

I get back to the house and get on the computer, as usual. There's really nothing better for me to do in the time that the kids are in school, and usually after we get up and leave the house in the morning, Alejandro gets up and gets back into his bed, so I can't really just go back to sleep. Not that I really blame him, after all, he keeps my old schedule. Goes to bed late, gets up late. And he doesn't work. Not that I can really fault him for that, since I don't either, though not exactly by choice.

The day passes pretty uneventfully. I could sit here and recount all of my internet browsing, but I think we all know how that goes. Pretty much the same every single day. So skipping over all of that, as I basically sit around all day, have a few chats with family members here and there, but really, aside from the regular Spanish buzzing out of the TV and the clicking of regular internet pages, the day is pretty quiet. And really, I'm already realizing that I'm trying to distract myself from the fact that I have so little time left.

We leave to go pick up the kids. Angel is done first, so we collect him, then we get Nicholas, and finally Lalito. The kids are chattering in the back of the car. We had contemplated going to the beach today when we talked about what we might do a few days ago, but Lalito has a bit of a cough and it's really not that hot. It's warm, but the water is probably still pretty cold. And while I joke about needing the sun - "Look how white I am!" - I can live without the beach. After all, I do live near enough to one at home.

We get back to the house and get something to eat. I'm starving, personally, so I eat a metric fuckton of quesadillas. All of them, in fact, and then when Ako wants some, I realize (oops) I've eaten them all. So they make some more. And I pick a few more off the plate, but I leave some for everyone else. So much for attempting to lose weight, right? I guess I can save that for when I get back to Tampa.

The kids and I sit down for a bit, and although I've just eaten, I really want some ice cream. So I ask Mari if there's any ice cream at Oxxo (which is like 7-11), and she says there is, and I ask if they take Visa cards, since I don't carry cash, ever. Ever. She says they do. So I ask Lalito if he wants to walk with me to Oxxo, and of fucking course he does. I feel bad for leaving Nicholas out, but I don't really want to try to walk with both of them, there is a fairly busy street near where we're going and I still don't really trust myself to manage to keep one or both of them running off with my limited language skills. Lalito is less likely to run out in the street (though when he was three, he loved to do it, gave me several near heart attacks) and I figure I can always take Nicholas for a walk later if he gets mad.

Lalito and I head out after he gets his shoes on, and we talk a little on the way. I ask him if he thinks Nicholas will be mad that I took him, and he says he might. But it's okay, because I can take Nicholas tomorrow.

See what I mean? He thinks a lot like me.

I'm holding his hand and we're walking in the middle of the street since it's not a very busy street, and I tell him that I'm leaving on Wednesday. I know this is going to be hard this time, because he understands stuff now. Not like last time, when he was just four and a half. He didn't really get it then. He does now.

"Why?" He asks me. Fuck.

"Well, because I have to go find a job, and I have to make money so I can come back."

"But you were here such a short time." Fuck fuck fuck.

"I know. I wish I could stay longer." I pause for a second. "Want to come with me?" I know he won't want to. He knows if he comes with me, he has to go to an English speaking school. And the English is the main thing. He apparently doesn't always enjoy going to the States with Douchebag because of the English. I know this will change when he gets older and when he learns more of the language. As predicted, he says no. That sucks for me to hear, but again, it wasn't like I wasn't expecting it.

"How about visit? Will you come visit?" He nods. I hope to get Douchebag to bring the kids here during summer vacation. If I can arrange that, I'll invite my mom and my dad and anyone else from the family who wants to come for a mini family reunion. I think even my parents can get along for the kids' sake.

We enter the store, and I find the ice cream I'm looking for. Lalito also finds some candy and asks if we can get it. Like I'm going to say no. I end up buying four of these. One for Lalito, one for Nicholas, one for Angel (he's a kid, can't leave him out), and one for me. They're toilets. Plastic toilets with little sour powder in the bowl, and two lollipops included to act as plungers. So you get the sucker wet and dip it in the toilet to pick up your powder.

Brilliant. I love toilet humor. This is the best candy ever. I note that it's called Sour Flush. If I ever see it in the States, I'll buy it for the sheer novelty of it.

We head to the cashier and Lalito apparently recognizes her, as he's surely been here before. He tells the woman that I'm his mother and she says it's nice to meet me. I hand her my card, and she sees my name and asks me if I'm related to a doctor. I tell her I am not. I'm leaving out the part about the fact that my last name is still only my last name through marriage. I'm not related to anyone with my last name, except for my kids.

I finish paying and we take off, walking back toward the house. We chat a bit more on the way back, mostly about the candy because Lalito is excited to get home and open it up. When we do get home and he opens it, he manages to spill some of his powder, but we even it out by pouring some of Nicholas's powder into Lalito's bowl. I sweep up the mess and we enjoy our toilet bowl powder. We're watching the TV at this point. I am the only person to finish my toilet powder. The kids put theirs in the fridge. An odd place for candy of any type, but when you think about it, it's the only place where bugs are unable to get in, unless you leave the door open for hours. There aren't any screen doors or screens in Mexico. So if a window or door is open, the bugs can get in. So putting opened food in the fridge makes a lot of sense.

I'm asked to crack open the laptop and look up Lalito's homework again, so I do that. The animal project that we'd done the night before turned out to be useful for tonight's assignment. It wasn't technically his assignment last night, as he was supposed to just get stickers, but tonight, he's to fill out two fact sheets on two animals. He needs to find a picture of two zoo animals from a magazine or newspaper or something, and then he's to fill out the paper. One of the questions is what they eat, so we already know this information. Ako and I help him fill it out. Ako tells him to take his time and write slower and more neatly, and keeps erasing what he writes to make him do it again. I guess it's a bit harsh, but he's going to learn to take his time with his work. This isn't a problem. I like to rush things, too, get them over with so I can move on to more fun things. I relate. Once again, I'm amazed at how much like me he is.

He finishes up his two fact sheets and is back to playing. Nicholas doesn't have any homework, so I don't have to try to get him to sit down for that. Thank god for small miracles. Though I'm sure next time I visit he will.

A little later, I pull out the laptop again. The kids bug me to see some funny videos as usual, and we do that. They also bug me to show them the videos from when they were kids. Lalito wanted Angel to see some of his baby videos, so we showed him. Then they turned on the Wii for a bit, and I still had Nicholas hanging on me a bit, trying to fuck with the buttons on the computer again. I decide it's time to break into that ice cream. I ask the kids if they want any, and to my surprise, they don't, so I get myself a bowl, bending the spoon in the process. It happens.

It's not long before the kids are ready to go to bed, but I get a cute video of them singing first.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gY3h-vFeJSw]YouTube - The Kids Singing[/ame]

I laugh my ass off as I turn off the camera when Ako calls them lazy for not wanting to sing. Nicholas is totally not interested at all. But that's just him. He'll perform when he wants to, not when you tell him to. He's pretty sleepy, so I leave Lalito with Angel to play Wii for a bit while I lie down with him and help him get to sleep. I know that telling him I'm leaving won't mean much, so I don't. He won't care. It sucks, but it's true. So I just tell him to get some sleep, and that I love him so, so much. I ask him, "Me quieres?" He says sleepily, "Si." I try not to cry, but it's almost impossible. I know Nicholas isn't the most lovey-dovey cling to everyone type of kid. It's hard to get him to care about people/things, unless they're keys. But he very well could have said no, and he didn't. So I was happy.

I give him a kiss, then I settle down on the pillow to wait for him to fall asleep. He kind of lies there looking at me for a bit, and then his eyes slowly close and he's asleep. I stay and watch him for a bit, listening to the rhythm of his breathing, and then I get up and sneak out of the room. It sucks so much for me to get him to warm up to me, and then have to leave so soon. I think it may always be this way with Nicholas.

I go back out to the living room and Lalito's still sitting with Angel as they take turns with the Wii. It's not going to be too long before they need to go to bed, too, though. I pop open the computer, and of course Lalito takes that as an invitation to bug me for more videos, so I tell him we'll watch a few but that he has to go to bed soon. So that's what we do, and soon enough, I'm taking him to the bedroom, too. He lies down at the foot of the bed rather than climbing over his brother, and I give him a good night kiss. The TV is on in there, because Ako decided to sit in there I guess for some quiet, and the TV wouldn't wake Nicholas up. I ask Lalito if he wants me to leave it on, and he says yes, so I switch the channel for him and give him another kiss. I tell him to sleep well. I leave the room, go back out to check my computer again, check what I need to check, and again, I'm in bed with a swiftness after the kids are asleep.

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[NightShayde]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Aww - you got me all teary-eyed AGAIN.

[Yygdrasil]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

I haven't read past DAY 1 yet, but I just read the last sentance of your most recent post... and I can't help but be amused at the old-timey wordage.

I'm in bed with a swiftness

The younger generation might be lost on the expression and think you're sleeping with a Swiffer Wet Jet.

Why the wet jet model, you ask?

You'll figure that out when you're older...

[Aksannyi]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Day Seven: Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I get up early as usual, but it seems quieter this morning for some reason. And I'm not entirely sure why. Usually when I get up, first thing, Lalito's sitting at the table halfway dressed in his uniform (usually only missing the sweater) eating breakfast. Today, however, he's perched in front of the TV, no sign of getting ready for school.

I'm a bit confused, but I figure that I'll get the idea of what's going on eventually. And eventually turns out to be not that far in the future. I hear something Mari is saying about Lalito not having class today.

Okay, well that solves that mystery. Another mystery unfolds, though: Why doesn't Lalito have class today? And ... wait a second, why the hell does Nicholas, if Lalito doesn't? But Nicholas is definitely being prepped for his classes. Along with Angel, of course, as he goes to a different school, but not really my focus. So I watch Nicholas eat and get ready for class, and we tell Lalito to hang out for a bit (Ako, Grecia, and Alejandro are all home anyway) while we take the other two to school. Amazingly enough, even without having to leave early enough to get Lalito to class by 7:15, we are still nearly late. Nicholas has to be at school at 8.

I ask on the way why Lalito doesn't have classes today. I am told that there's some kind of teacher's meeting. I'm not sure if that's exactly what Mari said, but I get the general idea of it. Something to do with the teachers that has nothing to do with the students. I'm not entirely sure why the kinder teachers don't count since it's all the same school, but okay. At this point, I'm thinking maybe Lalito's teacher was sick or something, so they called off his class.

We get there, and I move to get out of the car with them, but Mari tells me quickly to wait while she's grabbing Nicholas out of the car and grabbing his backpack. So I do. She runs him to the school, and when she comes back, she tells me that they close the door at 8, and the kids can't get in at that point. That actually explains a lot. Not why we're running so late, but still, the reason she kind of yanked him out of the car to run him into the school.

The school is deserted except for the kinder. There isn't anyone else there except for the parents dropping off their four- and five-year-olds. The rest of the school is empty. So it wasn't just Lalito's teacher. It was the whole of the school, except for the kinder. Weird. But whatever, it's more time to spend with Lalito.

I try so hard not to favor Lalito. I do. But I know him better, and he knows me better, too. We're similar in a lot of ways. And he's just such a loving child. He'll sit with me on my lap or cuddle up with me on the sofa, something his brother will have none of. A few hugs here and there, but I have to practically beg Nicholas for besitos. And I feel like for that reason, I should give him more attention. But then again, I don't want to give one kid more than the other, lest they notice. But I feel bad for this - I do kind of tend to favor Lalito. Even though I did take Nicholas outside a lot of times without his brother. I still feel like I'm favoring Lalito over his brother. And I feel closer to Lalito, too. Which isn't the way I want it to be. Nicholas is just a different child and he doesn't connect the same way as most kids. He's not the type to climb up on your lap and give you a hug. Since he was a baby, he never wanted that. Like when I was nursing him. He wasn't interested in that closeness unless he was just waking up in the middle of the night, in which case he was too tired to care about looking around. But a lot of times, getting him to nurse was a chore. He'd whip his head off and look around, and that doesn't exactly feel great. He'd hate to be put down in his crib, too, though. Oxymoron kid. Wouldn't settle if you picked him up, wouldn't settle if you put him down. He has always been difficult. Lalito was my easy child. If I'd only had Lalito, I'd think parenthood was super easy.

They're so different, it's hard to believe. They're about two weeks shy of eighteen months apart and they look similar (though not nearly as alike as my brothers and I when we were that age) but that's about it. It's so weird to think that in such a short time of creating kids, I could make two vastly different ones. Then again, I have had more than a handful of people tell me I'm bipolar, so maybe there's something to that and the way my kids turned out. I've always had this theory that because my mother smoked when she was pregnant with my brothers, that's why they both smoke. And she didn't with me, and you know what? I've never touched a cigarette in my life. And I never will. Smokers are gross.

Anyway. I feel like I shouldn't favor one over the other. In fact, I know that I shouldn't. But I also feel like it's probably normal at times to feel like I am. I'm sure all parents go through this, it just feels wrong. And I don't want Nicholas to pick up on it, because I'm seriously not trying to shun him at all. I just don't feel as close to him as I should. And it sucks. And now there's this whole day I have here, spending more time with the "favored" child. I'm not going to look a gift-horse in the mouth here, but I don't want to feel in my heart that I favor either, and I don't want them to feel that, either. At all.

So we drop Angel off (and he's late a bit) and get back to the house, and there's Lalito sitting on the sofa, playing his favorite game, BWII. I sit down next to him and watch him play. After a while, he's still playing, so I reach over and grab the laptop. I guess some might say I'm ignoring him, but not really. Most of the stuff I read I can sift through kind of absentmindedly. And besides, if anything, he's ignoring me. I know that gamer look when I see it.

He does kind of sit down next to me though, and leans on me while he's playing. I know he's sad that I'm leaving. I'm sad that I'm leaving too. I ask him if he's going to miss me, and he says yes. Tears. I tell him I'm going to make him a deal. I'll learn more Spanish, but he has to also learn more English. He asks why he has to learn English. I tell him because Grandma and Grandpa speak English, and because he's American.

He denies that. He's Mexican, he tells me. I make a mental note to smack the ever-loving shit out of Douchebag for that. The kids were born in the States from two American parents. I get that there's something for appreciating your heritage, but they are actually American kids, and they need to learn how to appreciate their USA-ness. I found out earlier in the week that during the World Cup, they'd cheered only for Mexico, not USA and Mexico. They should be cheering for both! And if it comes down to USA vs. Mexico, then they can choose one over the other, sure, but they should cheer for both teams. I'm upset that while they are supposedly being brought up multiculturally, they're learning to mostly be Mexican and not enough American. But I don't push the issue with him. He'll understand it some day.

I tell him that there's over 200 languages in the world (this number may or may not be accurate, as far as I know, but it seems like that could be close to being right, if not languages, dialects perhaps) and that it's always a good thing to know more than one language. I told him that was why I was learning Spanish. And of course, so I could talk to Nicholas and him.

He wants to watch videos on the laptop again, so I let him. I search for Battalion Wars II, as I know that's what he wants to see, and I let him use the mouse to select which movies he wants to see. He's basically taken over my computer. I let him. Fuck it, I'll have this laptop every single day until it eventually craps out (and it will, this I know), but I'm left with mere hours with my sons. And since I have no intention of just leaving him alone with the computer, I'm spending time with him by proxy. I'll take what I can get.

After a bit, it's time for Nicholas to be picked up. I decide to stay behind with Lalito, since no one else is in the house at the moment, and we'd have to take him too. It won't be that long before they're back, anyway. I reclaim my computer and log into WoW for a bit. I want to show Lalito the game. I tell him that this is what Mommy's been playing. I show him how I can fly, how I can jump, how I can swoop down and kill a bad guy. I decide to do some simple dailies (working on Ebon Blade rep recently, for any that know/care, it's in the LK expansion so it's fairly deserted but easy content to do with a six year old and his bony butt on my lap) and head over to Icecrown on my flying mount. I roll up on this abomination who hands out a daily quest. Lalito says he's really ugly, which I agree with. Then he asks me why I don't kill him, too, because he looks like a bad guy. I tell him I can't kill him, because his name is green, and I can kill things who have red names. Which would confuse him if I were to fly around Icecrown a little bit more, because there are other abominations around that you can kill, so why can I kill some but not all of them? But I didn't, so it was all good.

I accept my quests and fly off. He asks me what I was doing, and I tell him that this guy wanted me to kill some of these flying dragons, this guy wanted me to kill 15 bad guys, and this other guy wanted me to steal a dragon and burn some buildings down. So I do that. When I get on the stolen dragon (drake, whatever) I fly up to a house and I tell Lalito to hit 3 and help me burn it. He does, and looks at me and laughs. He enjoyed it.

I go back to town (Dalaran) and show him how there were other people playing the game too. I point them out to him, saying "This is someone playing on another computer. And this guy too." He kind of gets it, I think. I tell him in some areas, I can fight other players, but I don't show him how. PvP can be tricky in the best of conditions, and I'm out of practice and I've got a bony-butted six-year-old on my lap. So that's not happening. And I don't want to stay logged in for too long, but I thought he might enjoy seeing the game, which is why I even logged on in the first place. So I log off, and pretty much just as I do, Nicholas is home. I found out later that Angel had been picked up earlier by Grecia and dropped off at his house, because apparently he didn't have school the following day. I'm kind of glad. I get to spend time with my kids, and not my kids and their cousin.

The kids want to watch more funny videos. They love the retarded (dancing) dog, so I have to show them that a few times, and we watch some funny cats, too. Cats falling off of things and jumping in fear of the most random crap. We get some laughs out of that. I remember that I wanted to get the kids to draw me pictures or something, so I get my notebook out of my backpack and bring it to the table, grabbing a pen. I call Lalito to sit down for a bit, and I ask him to write me a letter. He says he doesn't know how. I just tell him to write me a message.

He starts with his name on the bottom of the page. Then he writes "dog" and "map" in English, and under that, "Mamy." (Spanish way of spelling mommy.) Then to the right, he writes "Te voy a extrañar" which means "I'm going to miss you." Fuck. Me. After that, he gets up. I turn the page, trying super hard not to cry, and call Nicholas to sit down and write me something on the next page.

He starts with his name. "Nicolas" With a huge L that spans from the bottom to the top of the page, and no H, because apparently, he's unaware that his name contains an H. After that, he writes "oso" and "sol" and draws a picture of my glasses. He requests another page, and on the next page he writes "mama" "papa" "Faby" "Julia" and draws me a tree. And then on the back of that page, he writes the numbers backwards from 10 to 1, because apparently, Nicholas does everything better backwards. Counting and the alphabet, along with spelling his own name.

He's done now, and he gets up from the table. I ask for the address to the house, since I don't actually know their physical street address. Ako helps me write it down. I'm a bit surprised to see there's no zip code. I'm not sure that's correct. Then again, the mail system in Mexico ... not exactly super.

At this point, I hear the sounds of Mario Kart. Lalito wants to play, and for once, Nicholas doesn't want to join him, he just wants to watch. I'm good with that. I also enjoy watching people play video games. I do enjoy playing them, of course, but sometimes I really enjoy watching the game being played by somebody else. Maybe I'd enjoy that silly Abyssea leeching after all. They sit down on the couch together, and I can't resist the photo opportunity:


Playing nice for a change.


Because Lalito is playing with the classic controller, Nicholas keeps accidentally pausing the game.


Nicholas is pretending to play.


Snuck in front for this one, they're too interested in the game though.


This is as close to "posed" as I'll get.

At some point later in the evening, Douchebag calls, and he wants to talk to both of the kids. I try not to listen in, but I'm glad to see that Nicholas is about as talkative on the phone with him as he is with me. Needless to say: not very. Lalito talks for significantly longer. I can hear Douchebag ask him what he's doing, and Lalito responds, "I'm playing with my mom's computer."

I'm super glad that he doesn't want to talk to me. Not that I can't/won't, as I did speak to him a few times leading up to this trip to work out details, but the less time I have to spend talking to him, the better. I'm also super glad that he chose not to make the drive (it's about six hours) to see the kids while I was here. Lalito talks only a few minutes before handing the phone back to his grandmother, and he's back to playing.

They call her "ma." Both of the kids do. This is something I didn't know until I got here, so they'd say "ma," and I'd be like, "What?" Eventually, both kids (at different times) tell me, "When I say 'ma,' it's my buelita and when I say 'mamy,' it's you."

Okay then. I guess as long as there's some distinction, but I kind of feel like "ma" should be um, me.

As much as I want this night to last for a long, long time, it doesn't. Nicholas is soon ready for bed, and I help him get changed so he can do so. I lie down with him one more night, and wait for him to fall asleep. I whisper into the darkness, "I wish you could understand how much I love you. I love you so, so, so, so, so, so, so much." I'm trying so hard not to cry, but this time, I can't help it. I do not want to leave them again. I will see him in the morning, yes, but it doesn't matter. I could see them a hundred more days in a row and it wouldn't be long enough for me. You don't ever want to leave your kids. Ever.

I give him a light kiss on the cheek and tell him I love him again. Then I sneak out the room again, and sit down with Lalito. He knows that I am leaving, of course, but he doesn't say anything or acknowledge it. I think because it makes him sad, or maybe because he knows it makes me sad. But he knows that if I give him an extra random hug, it's because I won't get the chance to for a long time. I make sure to tell him I love him at least four bazillion times throughout the week. That goes for Nicholas, too. Partially because I feel so horrible for leaving them and I want them to know that I didn't leave because I don't love them, but that - as weird as that sounds to a kid - it's all been done because I do. Because kids ... some of them might begin to think that since their mother left them with another relative, that she doesn't care. I don't want my kids to ever think that. Any time I call, I tell them I love them. Any time I see them, too. I want to make sure they know.

It's almost time for Lalito to go to bed. I take him to the room again, and like last night, the TV is on in there even though Nicholas is sleeping. I ask Lalito if he wants it left on and he says he does. I change the channel, but the channel he wants to watch isn't showing anything he wants to see, so he just tells me to switch it back to the channel it was on in the first place. I kiss him good night, and of course tell him I love him, and I'm back out in the living room. I'm mentally exhausted at this point, but I know it's going to be tough to sleep. I'm kind of excited about getting back to my bed and a full night of sleep without anyone turning on the lights, but I'm still super bummed about leaving. Though really, I miss my fucking bed. My bed is super comfortable and the one I've been using is super not. But it isn't like I can bring my bed with me. Though if the technology ever arises, I'd be on that shit. My bed would come everywhere with me. Work? Fuck yeah, bringing my bed. Football game? Bed. Traffic? Bed. Airplane? Be~ed.

I make a post on Facebook, because I felt this was worth sharing:

Facebook
I asked my son to write me a letter that I could take home with me. His message: "Te voy a extrañar"

Two people liked the post. Probably because it's a sweet thing for a kid to say, not because they want me to be sad because my son is going to miss me. Even though that was going to happen no matter what. It's much harder to leave this time because I know they understand. Nicholas understands but hardly cares, but Lalito understands and cares enough for both of the kids. That's really hard, and it sucks. I. Do Not. Wanna. Leave.

But I have to. So I wind up what I'm doing and get in bed, to try to get a decent night's rest before another long day of travel. My plane leaves at 5 PM Central, and I've been told that I'll be going across the border around 10AM, and hanging out at Lala's house for a few hours. Crossing the border is unpredictable, and while I could stay in Mexico for one last pick up of the kids from school, that might make it a little iffy for getting across the border in time to get to the airport. I've sat in line at the border for nearly two hours in the past, so I'm definitely not interested in missing my flight for one last chance to see my kids, for probably less than ten minutes anyway, if that. So I understand. I had mostly finished packing my stuff back up earlier in the day, and I'd finish the rest of it in the morning. I'm ready to leave, but not. I feel bad for that, too, but there's something about being home that's so great. Even if going home means leaving your babies. Am I horrible for that? I'll probably wonder that for the rest of my life. And it keeps me up tonight. I toss and turn, telling myself I can at least try to sleep on the plane.

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Just gonna apologize to Night in advance on this one. Well, this is at the bottom of the post, but I'm typing this before you've read it, so I guess it's still advance, at least on some level. I will finish the final post tomorrow.

I'm also proofreading this and realized just how many times I used "super" as an adjective in this post. I guess that's my new thing.

[Nandito]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Well, reading all this killed an hour or two in my journey to force an all-nighter, so I thank you kindly. Plus, heart-warming! I was aware you've had children since my lurking days but never knew if you ever actually saw them. There goes that mystery!

That last bit with the letter, my heart was torn. Lalito is a sweet kid... and Nicholas acts so much like my nephew. One specific thing about those two though...

Such awesome hair.

Looking forward to that final post!

[Mezlo]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Really cute kids Aks! Thanks for sharing!

[Aksannyi]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Day Eight: Wednesday, March 9, 2011


It's like a doomsday ticker.

The first thought I have upon waking is that this is it. The end of my trip. Less than an hour left with my kids. It's impractical to stay up all night, on both my end and on the kids' end, but I can't help but feel that an hour is extremely short.

The kids are eating their breakfast. Yesterday I had mentioned to Mari that maybe we could get the kids up and about a bit earlier just because I knew I'd want a little extra time with them before I left. I'm not entirely sure if that has taken place, mostly because I'm not entirely sure she understood what I was asking. The kids finish eating and get fully dressed, and then Mari wets their hair and shoos them into the bedroom so she can comb it. Dora the Explorer is on, in Spanish, of course, and I sit down with the kids and watch it. We apparently do have a bit of extra time, if we're able to watch the TV.

Lalito asks me if I'll be here when he gets out of school. I tell him I won't, that I have to go back to Brownsville to get to the airport. The cat's out of the bag for Nicholas now, and he does ask me some questions, but he doesn't seem to quite get the ramifications of me getting on a plane and leaving. I mean, he had asked me earlier in the week to ride the larger bike (the one that's missing a pedal) and I told him I was too big. Then I mentioned that I had a bigger bike at my house, and he told me to bring it the next day. Nicholas doesn't understand that mommy lives far away. I think Lalito finally does. And that it's the reason I don't come visit that often. I hug them and kiss them a few zillion times while we're watching Dora together. Nicholas actually points to the TV to answer the questions Dora asks about which way they should go, which item from the backpack they should use, etc. I didn't think kids actually did that.

It's almost time to leave, so we finish getting the kids stuff together - their backpacks, their lunches (which are more like snacks compared to how we eat at home - a small sandwich, some crackers, and a juice), their homework in Lalito's case - and we head outside. Mari is still gathering her things, so I try to get the kids to sit down for a few last photos. Nicholas refuses to really acknowledge the camera. Lalito tries to get him to sit still for a minute, but to no avail. It's just as well - that's just Nicholas.


Attempt one.


Attempt two.


Attempt three ... well, screw it.

I snap one more picture of Nicholas running around like he's going to shoot someone. I hug Lalito, and say in English, "I don't want to go." He looks up at me and gives me a "huh?" so I repeat it in Spanish. My voice cracks. I don't want to cry in front of the kids because it will only make it worse for them, but I'm failing. He doesn't say that he doesn't want me to go either, but he hugs me, and I can pretty much tell that's what he's trying to convey.


War game.

It's time to get the kids in the car and take them to school. I hear the death bells ringing in my head with each step. Of course it's not that severe, but it feels like every step is indeed a little death. If I take my time, it's not going to help anything, it's just gonna make the kids late for school.

I don't really talk with them a lot in the car. I don't really know what to say at this point that hasn't been said. I ask them if they're going to be good. Lalito says he will, Nicholas says nothing. Not surprising, because I already know that Lalito is going to be good and that Nicholas isn't. I wish I could do more to give him the attention he wants/needs. I don't know if it's my fault in a way that he's not a good kid. That he's so stubborn, that he gets angry in the mornings, that he hits, that he breaks stuff, that he throws fits. Is it my fault for letting Douchebag take him when he was just shy of being two? Is it my fault for "abandoning" him, in a sense? Does he secretly crave me and interaction with me - subconsciously, even - even though he doesn't act at all attached to me? These questions will probably always remain a mystery, just like I'll probably always wonder if it was my fault that he's so difficult. And I'll probably always feel guilty for leaving him - and his brother - and not raising them myself. Because that's the way it's supposed to be done, isn't it?

We're at the school, and it's time to let the kids off. Lalito first, as usual. I get out of the truck this time to let him out (instead of Mari) and I pull him up and into a hug. Yeah, yeah, here I go, doing that embarrassing parent thing in front of the school. Fuck it, though, my situation is not the typical one. I tell him that I love him and to be good. That I'm going to miss him. I give him a kiss, then I have to put him down and let him go. He walks into the school with his backpack, and I get back into the car. I try to spot him from behind the gates of the school - Mari drives slow for this purpose because of course, she knows - but there are too many people standing there blocking the view. I won't see him waving to me as I drive off. I suppose it's just as well, anyway. That only makes it harder. And a school drop-off as my goodbye to the kids is far from ideal in the first place. I'd rather do this in private.

We inch forward and on to the kinder to let Nicholas off. I do the same thing - get out of the car and help him out. Usually the teacher would pluck him from the car, but today, I'm getting a damn hug, and they can explain to her in the afternoon why that is if she asks. I tell him that I love him, and to be good, as I did with his brother. I kiss him and have to let him go. He doesn't look back when he goes into the school, but I hardly expect him to. I'm still unsure if he even knows that I won't be here when he gets out. Maybe he does, and doesn't care. Maybe he does care, but isn't letting himself show that he cares. Maybe he has more pride than any of us. I wish I could understand Nicholas. I wish I could tap into his brain and just know what makes him tick. What is he thinking? What does he feel? How does he see the world? I don't wonder these things about Lalito. He's so accessible. Nicholas is just so closed off.

We're driving back to the house. I've got tears in my eyes but I'm not bawling the way I expected to. I guess that's good. Maybe. I don't really know. I cry buckets over some of the stupidest things (seriously) but over things that really matter, I barely do. But I'm a woman, and we women are strange, strange creatures when it comes to emotion. Mari is talking a bit, but I don't really feel like talking. I just say that I'll try to visit again soon, or maybe the kids can come to visit me. And of course she tells me not to worry, they're well taken care of. I assure her that I was never doubtful of that. And of course, I thank her. I always remember to thank her for everything. For the food, for taking me shopping or wherever we may go, and of course, for taking care of the kids.

We get back to the house, and I sit down with my laptop. Mari tells me that we're going to leave to meet up with her brother at 10. I'm going to be going across the border with him, since Mari can't, and then we are going to Lala's house to chill until my flight, since it isn't until five. Which requires me to be at the airport at four. Kind of a roundabout way of leaving, I guess, but it's better than sitting at the airport.

I know it's going to be a while before I'm back to internet access, so I check up on what I need/want to check on in the last few hours before we go. I post:

Facebook
Dropped the kids off at school. That was hard. Much harder this time than any other time because this time they understand that Mommy's leaving and won't be back for a while. Estoy triste.
------My mom: I've been thinking of you today. Hang in there..Not easy leaving those little boys..they are way too cute.
------Faby: But don't be sad..the important thing here is that they saw their mom.. and they know that you love a lot. enjoy the moments that you lived on this trip.


Several hours later when I would check those comments, I'd see that Faby had also written on my wall.

Faby:
I hope you have a good trip... i hope that you have so much fun with your kids, come back soon. and not worry about them, they are well cared....kisses!

Grecia leaves for work, and Mari runs after her to tell her that it's my last day, so she comes back in, gives me a hug, and wishes me a safe trip. A little while later, Ako also does the same as he is leaving, and tells me to call soon to talk to the kids. Mari cooks me a huge breakfast. I guess she figures I shouldn't leave on an empty stomach. I was just going to make some toast or something simple and maybe get something light at the airport, but this works too. I have eggs and ham and quesadillas. I'm glad for the quesadillas, because I absolutely love them.

I finish up putting everything in my bags, and when Mari says we're leaving in about five minutes, I shut down the laptop and put it away in my backpack. I double check the bedroom to make sure I've left nothing behind, and I pull my cell phone off the charger and put it in the small pocket in my purse. I'm ready. I guess.

We get in the small car, and it doesn't start. So we transfer all of my bags to the SUV, which is what we usually take anyway, and go that way. We drive around the streets of Matamoros on the way to Mari's mom's house, which is where her brother is staying while their mother is out of town. For the first time that week, I see someone missing a limb. I always say it's not a trip to Mexico if I don't see someone missing an arm or a leg. I don't say it out loud because honestly, I don't know how to say that in Spanish without sounding like an insensitive asshole, but I kind of smirk to myself. I'd met Mari's brother earlier in the week, and I know that he speaks English, which is a relief. We pick him up, and we head toward the border. We pull the bags out of the truck when we get there, and I give Mari another hug and another thanks, take care of my boys please, and we set off walking. At this point, I'm thinking his car is parked nearby or something, but it turns out he doesn't have one. We're walking across the border. I would have chosen better shoes if I'd known that.

We talk about the kids a bit. He asks me how it was to see them. I have no real words for that, in any language. He says, "Man, that Nicholas, he is so damn stubborn! Cute as hell, but stubborn as all get-out." I can't argue with that. It's just funny that everyone notices how he is. Mari's brother (whose name I can't remember, if I was ever even told it at all) is easy to talk to. Partially because he speaks English, but partially just because he's a genuinely nice guy. I see a truck in the line to cross the border that looks like mine, and I point it out. I mention that mine's in Florida, and it's still there. "Well, I hope it's still there," I joke. Later that evening I'd be super pissed at myself for tempting fate by saying something like that.

We go through the process of crossing the border, which of course involves them questioning me. "What were you doing in Mexico? Bringing anything back? Where do you live?" etc. I'm surprised that my lack of passport is not frowned upon, but then again, what are they gonna do? Deny me the right to enter my own country? I could see it playing out quite differently if I didn't have any identification, but how dumb would I be to attempt that?

We see some people crossing back over into Mexico with small plastic bags. They're pointed out to me - they've been deported. They have nothing left with them when they come back over but the clothes on their back and what few things they've got in their pockets, because after they're found out, are they going to go back to their house and grab their stuff so Immigration can kick all of their buddies out, too? Of course not. It's kind of sad, but I can't really have that much sympathy for them. If you want to come over, by all means do so, but do it legit.

We sit down on this bench and wait for Lala to come get us. She pulls up to the curb and we get in the car, and we drive over to her house. We sit down and turn on the TV and just chat for a few hours. Sometimes in Spanish, sometimes in English. What isn't understood is translated through Mari's brother. She brings out her little dogs and they jump all over me, licking me and giving me love. Honestly, it's what I kind of needed after the long trip and leaving the kids. Kind of just chilling somewhere and talking in my own language with a couple of dogs giving me some love. I want a dog so bad, but I really can't afford to care for one. I use the opportunity to text a bunch of people - my mom, my dad, and my friend who is going to be picking me up - since I'm back in the States and it's free again! I'd been jonesing.

Lala is your typical Mexican motherly type, so she starts to make some food. It's only been a few hours since I've eaten so I'm not hungry, but she insists. I'm not going to argue, so I sit down at the table and we eat. We talk about the kids some more, and they ask me if I'm excited to get home. I say that I sort of am - it'll be nice to have my bed back, to watch TV in English, and to take hot showers - but I still don't want to leave my kids.

We hang out a few more hours and it's time to take Mari's brother to work, so we drop him off. I give him a hug and say thanks for the walk across the border and all that stuff. It's about three, and Lala doesn't want to drop me off at the airport yet (though I'm fine with it, honestly, I need to decompress) so we go over to her sister's house for a while. They chat some, and I pick up on some of it, but I'm honestly not listening that much because I'm just tired. Finally, it's time for me to get into the airport. Lala walks me inside. I think she intends to wait with me for a bit after I check my bags, but I tell her it's okay, and she doesn't have to. I'm anxious to get through security and not have to worry about anything else but getting on the plane. So we hug, I thank her for the ride, and she takes off. I get through security, where sadly, I do not get felt up by the TSA, and I sit down with my iPod and my book. I watch as some spring break teenagers with beads generally act obnoxious, and hope that they're not on my flight. As we're boarding the plane, not only are they on my flight, but they're all pretty much surrounding me. Great. Though to the most annoying girl's (who happens to be right next to me) credit, she crashes shortly after the plane takes off. Yes, I realize my unfortunate choice of words.

After landing in Dallas, I get something quick to eat (I always say I'm not going to buy anything in the airports and I always do, I don't know why I even try to trick myself anymore) and a new book, since I'd finished the old one. I get on my plane back to Tampa, and I'm sitting between a douche on a cellphone who also happens to be taking up more than his fair share of the seat, and some relatively normal guy who seems to just want to sleep. As long as he doesn't sleep on me or anything similar, I'm good with that.

The flight is fairly uneventful, we're informed we may be a few minutes late due to thunderstorms, and that the landing will be bumpy. Whatever. Just get me home. My bed is calling my name. We land and I text my friend, who says he'll finish up and close up shop to come get me. I thought he'd be waiting for me, but apparently not. I'm kind of annoyed, as I want to get home as quickly as possible, but I don't bitch. I claim my bag and stand there for a few minutes, until I see him pull up to the front, so I head outside and put my bags in the truck, and he drives me home.

Well, to Wal-Mart, I need some soda, but then home. I'm chattering tiredly about my trip, about the kids, how great they are. I launch into some diatribe about how I'd said "I love you" so many times throughout my trip that I couldn't possibly say it anymore, that I'm all "I love you'd" out. Through the course of that whole deal, I've said it at least six more times. I must have sounded pretty hilarious, but he's one of my best friends and he's used to me being crazy.

Pull in the lot of my apartment complex and ... wait a minute.

"Where's my truck?"

"What do you mean?"

"Beast. He's not here. I parked him back there."

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Where the hell is my goddamn truck?!"

"I don't know."

"Oh my god, I'm freaking out. My truck is gone! What if it was stolen?!"

"Calm down, we'll bring your stuff upstairs. It's 1AM, you can't do anything about it now."

"That doesn't help! I want my truck back!"

He helps me carry my stuff upstairs. I'm delirious and tired and freaking out about my truck. All I wanted to do was carry my stuff upstairs, hug my friend and thank him for the ride, but now I'm super wired and worried about my truck being stolen or towed or something. But my friend tells me to try to chill, try to sleep, and call the apartment complex in the morning. I thank him for the ride, give him a hug, and he takes off. I tell him I'll text him when I know what's up.

I shower (oh, hot water, you're so heavenly) and sit around on the internet for a little bit to try to calm down, but I'm still worried about the truck. I know I need to sleep, though, so I try. For about an hour, I stare at the ceiling worrying about my truck being gone forever, and then I get up, figuring I have to do something. So I call the cops, and they say that until I can contact the apartment complex and find out if it's been towed, they can't really do anything, though I do ask him to look up my tag number and see if it's been involved in anything. Hell, if it was stolen, good chance it was wrecked (it has bad brakes) or involved in a robbery or something. But nothing comes up, so I regain a small bit of faith. I set six alarms to make sure I get up in case I do fall asleep, then lie down and eventually exhaustion wins out. My trip is over, but the ramifications of it, apparently, have just begun.

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Okay, I'll end it there. Falling asleep and getting some sense of rest is a good enough place. And most of you who have been reading in the past few weeks have seen what happened with the truck anyway. I'm still pissed off about that, by the way.

And at this point, this is where I need to say something.

Super special thanks to cidbahamut for basically giving me this trip. I honestly never knew that people with such generosity existed. It's not much, but if you ever come to Tampa, you'll always have a place to crash. And I know I said it before in PM, but thank you. So, so much. I'm sure that if you read this journal you understand how much this trip has done for me. Thank you. I still have my demons, more than I care to admit, but this has definitely rejuvenated me and given me back a lot of my purpose. So thank you. Again.

[NightShayde]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Oh, Aks - my heart is breaking for you. Partially because it's so very clear how much you love and miss your kids -- and partially about how you seem to be beating yourself up for stuff that's not your fault & stuff you can't help.

Don't feel guilty about treating your kids differently, or about feeling different ways about the two of them. Even though they're both your kids, they're two VERY different people. Your relationships with them will always differ, and that's both fine & normal.

You mentioned early on that Nicholas is somewhere on the autism spectrum -- that explains an awful lot about why his emotional interactions with you aren't the same as Lalito's. It also explains a lot about his temper and about his behavior at school. It's not that he's being "bad." It's that his thought processes and emotions work a bit differently than people whose brains aren't wired like his. It also explains why he seems sort of detached at times -- and why he didn't seem as unhappy to see you leave as Lalito was (aside from the fact that he's just younger & may not understand quite as much). He doesn't act up because you "abandoned" him (which you didn't - you made arrangements for him which you knew would benefit him in the long run ... something people who "abandon" their kids don't concern themselves with). He acts up because he's autistic. Not. Your. Fault.

Keep in mind that kids tend to view their own circumstances as "normal," and tend to accept their surroundings. They live with extended family, which is far more the rule than the exception in many cultures outside the US. They are fed, clothed, sheltered, and loved. They have TV & internet & video games. It's not like they're growing up in a mud hut with no electricity and no indoor plumbing (though for kids in other countries who grow up like that, such circumstances are "normal"). They're ok - and they'll continue to BE ok.

Just keep in contact, and keep letting them know how much you love them. It sounds like Lalito understands that already. Nicholas may understand way more than people realize he does (even if he hasn't learned to put an "h" into his name ). Even if he doesn't show love in the way Lalito does, I'm sure he loves you, too.

Thank you so much for sharing your story, Aks. I've really enjoyed reading it, and seeing all the pictures of your kids.

[Aksannyi]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

I wish I could thank you a thousand times for that post. I guess we always doubt ourselves as parents. Everyone worries if they're doing the right thing or if they've done the wrong thing in the past.

I won't lie, part of my parenting insecurities come from my own family members. My mother understands now (finally, but it took nearly three years), but a lot of my aunts and uncles treat me like I'm so horrible. I've been called a bad mother by them. And while I've never been back since I left and thus never had the chance to explain why I did what I did, I know that anything I say will likely not sway most of their opinions of me. I know in my heart I did the right thing, but my mind ... sometimes my mind and my heart are on two very different playing fields.

I don't think I will ever return to Pennsylvania. It's not about running away, but about simply not being able to deal with being treated so coldly by people who are supposed to love and care about me. My mental state can not handle it.

[hexx]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

LOL Judging from the way he carries himself, Lalito looks like he's gonna be one hell of a heart breaker when he gets older =P He has that "swagger" already at such a young age XD

[Aksannyi]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Yeah he looks a lot like his dad when he was younger. I hope he doesn't turn out like him. He has a lot of me in him, though. My smarts, my observation skills, my perception. So I hope he has enough of me to not be a jerk.

Apparently Nicholas is the one with the "girlfriend" though, her name is Rosita.

[cidbahamut]

Re: Aksannyi's Trip Journal - A Reunion

Im going to be 100% honest when I say this.

I would love to read this... but my attention span is garbage. I'm not saying I WON'T... but just that it might take me a very long time to get through it.

Sounds like the same boat I'm in. I've been reading it in sections when I get the chance, but there's only so much I can get through in one sitting before another shiny bauble on the internet distracts me.

Incidentally I haven't ready any posts past Ygg's as of right now. Working on it though.

Edit: finished reading.