FFXI: My Story

[Court]

8:07 PM.

Nothing to do at the apartment. A 55" Projection TV and nothing on it. A game boy advance with a few cartridges full of saved games that hold the last point before the credits roll. An Xbox, a Playstation 2. Empty. Someone still has the game I want and they haven't returned it. Blockbuster is calling with late fees, but they don't care. They're probably enjoying themselves. I know I would be.

But I'm not.

I'm sitting here surrounded by toys and nothing to play. My girlfriend is coming home soon. We can find something to do. Maybe we'll go somewhere. Or I can log on. I did log on. And cancelled. Star Wars Galaxies: the discontinued. A new title from Verant. The same company that brought you EverQuest. Exciting adventures in redundancy.

Somebody make a macro so I can get my ass off the couch.

What? A/S/L?

24. Male. Atlanta.

Nice to meet you. Stop talking to me.

There she is. She's late tonight. But that's ok. The TV is still there. The game boy is off. The consoles are collecting dust, and I'm tired. Let's go. Anywhere but here.

The florescent lights are blinding. I'm staring at my monitor again but not at home. A store filled with designer clothing. People in red shirts with nametags and smiles. There's nothing in here. Nothing but that. Final Fantasy, Online. I didn't even know about it. Where have I been? In a cubicle, maybe. Dreaming of sand and water, of time and place. A different time and place.

I have the money, just not the time. Not the time. Now is not the time. I set it down. We leave.

Fast forward.

Happy anniversary. I give her a leather jacket. A nice one. A very nice one. The price tag told me. I mean the saleman, he told me. I ripped through four boxes. The fourth one had an article of clothing like the others, only underneath was something different. She bought it. I can't believe she bought it.

I said no. I didn't have time. I couldn't commit to an MMORPG. I was wrong, she said. Make time. Enjoy yourself. It's ok. So I did. Days later, when I finally installed it. I drooled on my shirt. I was a child again. With stubble. I'm excited. She's waiting for me to immerse. She's playing Tactics on the GBA. She's enjoying herself. No one can stop me. I'm unstoppable now. Installed. Loaded. Ready. Launched. In love. I'm in.

I waited and watched. I watched and waited. For something. Anything. Nothing. And I got everything. Pixelated euphoria. Mine. I enjoyed. I played. I committed. I was gone.

Short lived, though. I outlasted the game. I spent time, valuable time, hours on end. She was gone for the weekend. I was surrounded by pixels and 5 speakers pumping beauty through my brain, cereal bowls and empty cans. Pasta in strainer, hardening by the minute. I would have noticed too, if I was in the same world, but I wasn't. I was somewhere else.

A place of fascination. Of beauty. Of power. Of neglect. Bills scattered on the kitchen counter. A cat crying for attention. The water faucet dripped. People walked through the halls, but I didn't hear them. How could I. Not with the monster's screeching.

Short lived, I said. Don't you remember. A/S/L? I thought I told you already. 25. Elvaan. San'Doria. Weren't you listening? Now stop speaking to me. Leave me alone. I'm busy. Fighting. Over. And Over. Haven't I done this before?

I have. I have done this before. I did this all week. I came in at 8 and went home at 5. Only I was payed. Now I'm paying. I'm paying to get the job done. I can't have fun. Can't buy Final Fantasy until I make the money. Can't play Final Fantasy until I make the money. Can't play the high end until I make the low end. Until I work. Work. I thought I was playing.

She's coming home soon. I'm filthy. I'm surrounded by filth. I've accomplished nothing. Unless I tried again. Another day. Another day I won't have this interest. I can't. I can't.

I can't. She's almost here. I'm cleaning. I'm afk. AFK. Leave me alone. Stop telling me to provoke. I'm autofollowing you. Autofollowing my cat to the pile of vomit. God damn. I've got to log off. Someone get the trash. Take it out and I'll vaccuum. Someone hit me with haste. Speed me up. I lack the motivation. Motivate me to level. I gain levels to gain levels. A vicious cycle. I should have exercised. What a waste of time.

Time.

She's here. I got everything done. Barely. A heal just in time. Cure II. Only I'm not cured. I'm sick. I'm dirty. I'm tired. I'm unsuccesful. I'm bored. Bored. I'm so fucking bored.

[Court]

I have no idea what the hell I just did. I started writing. And I wrote. And I wrote.

That was a summary of my experience with FFXI, I guess. I just did it and it flowed. Pretty well, in retrospect.

I'm not going to edit anything. That was actually pretty enjoyable. You should try it.

Peace,

Court.

[Furinex]

Seek a Therapist. :) That sounded like a twisted episode from Days of our lives.

[Kil'jaden]

Originally posted by Court
8:07 PM.

Nothing to do at the apartment. A 55" Projection TV and nothing on it. A game boy advance with a few cartridges full of saved games that hold the last point before the credits roll. An Xbox, a Playstation 2. Empty. Someone still has the game I want and they haven't returned it. Blockbuster is calling with late fees, but they don't care. They're probably enjoying themselves. I know I would be.

But I'm not.

I'm sitting here surrounded by toys and nothing to play. My girlfriend is coming home soon. We can find something to do. Maybe we'll go somewhere. Or I can log on. I did log on. And cancelled. Star Wars Galaxies: the discontinued. A new title from Verant. The same company that brought you EverQuest. Exciting adventures in redundancy.

Somebody make a macro so I can get my ass off the couch.

What? A/S/L?

24. Male. Atlanta.

Nice to meet you. Stop talking to me.

There she is. She's late tonight. But that's ok. The TV is still there. The game boy is off. The consoles are collecting dust, and I'm tired. Let's go. Anywhere but here.

The florescent lights are blinding. I'm staring at my monitor again but not at home. A store filled with designer clothing. People in red shirts with nametags and smiles. There's nothing in here. Nothing but that. Final Fantasy, Online. I didn't even know about it. Where have I been? In a cubicle, maybe. Dreaming of sand and water, of time and place. A different time and place.

I have the money, just not the time. Not the time. Now is not the time. I set it down. We leave.

Fast forward.

Happy anniversary. I give her a leather jacket. A nice one. A very nice one. The price tag told me. I mean the saleman, he told me. I ripped through four boxes. The fourth one had an article of clothing like the others, only underneath was something different. She bought it. I can't believe she bought it.

I said no. I didn't have time. I couldn't commit to an MMORPG. I was wrong, she said. Make time. Enjoy yourself. It's ok. So I did. Days later, when I finally installed it. I drooled on my shirt. I was a child again. With stubble. I'm excited. She's waiting for me to immerse. She's playing Tactics on the GBA. She's enjoying herself. No one can stop me. I'm unstoppable now. Installed. Loaded. Ready. Launched. In love. I'm in.

I waited and watched. I watched and waited. For something. Anything. Nothing. And I got everything. Pixelated euphoria. Mine. I enjoyed. I played. I committed. I was gone.

Short lived, though. I outlasted the game. I spent time, valuable time, hours on end. She was gone for the weekend. I was surrounded by pixels and 5 speakers pumping beauty through my brain, cereal bowls and empty cans. Pasta in strainer, hardening by the minute. I would have noticed too, if I was in the same world, but I wasn't. I was somewhere else.

A place of fascination. Of beauty. Of power. Of neglect. Bills scattered on the kitchen counter. A cat crying for attention. The water faucet dripped. People walked through the halls, but I didn't hear them. How could I. Not with the monster's screeching.

Short lived, I said. Don't you remember. A/S/L? I thought I told you already. 25. Elvaan. San'Doria. Weren't you listening? Now stop speaking to me. Leave me alone. I'm busy. Fighting. Over. And Over. Haven't I done this before?

I have. I have done this before. I did this all week. I came in at 8 and went home at 5. Only I was payed. Now I'm paying. I'm paying to get the job done. I can't have fun. Can't buy Final Fantasy until I make the money. Can't play Final Fantasy until I make the money. Can't play the high end until I make the low end. Until I work. Work. I thought I was playing.

She's coming home soon. I'm filthy. I'm surrounded by filth. I've accomplished nothing. Unless I tried again. Another day. Another day I won't have this interest. I can't. I can't.

I can't. She's almost here. I'm cleaning. I'm afk. AFK. Leave me alone. Stop telling me to provoke. I'm autofollowing you. Autofollowing my cat to the pile of vomit. God damn. I've got to log off. Someone get the trash. Take it out and I'll vaccuum. Someone hit me with haste. Speed me up. I lack the motivation. Motivate me to level. I gain levels to gain levels. A vicious cycle. I should have exercised. What a waste of time.

Time.

She's here. I got everything done. Barely. A heal just in time. Cure II. Only I'm not cured. I'm sick. I'm dirty. I'm tired. I'm unsuccesful. I'm bored. Bored. I'm so fucking bored.


Why do you feel this way Court? Erm... I understand what your saying, I really do, if you want to seek advice, pm me, I will try to help. You dont have to continue to feel this way. I hope i'm not reading too much into you here and making more of it than it is.

[Hattori Hanzo]

The drama continues.

Where the hell you've been? I haven't seen you on. And what level now? Where's my watch?

[Padishar]

I always try to refrain from participating in threads like this because it's bound to turn into a flame war. Anyway, my view:

You mention at the beginning of your post what appears to be alternatives to playing FFXI: I.e. watching TV, playing PS/2 or XBox, etc.

So it appears to me that the alternative to wasting time in FFXI, for you, is to watch TV or some other gaming related appliance. So I'm not so sure I see your point of that wasting time with FFXI is worse.

Now if you would have actually suggested that there is something critical in your life that you need to take care of, such as:
- Helping your wife cook (big one for me -- I'm such a looser).
- Working after hours because you need money for your fathers surgery.
- Doing volunteer work in the community.
- Doing sports because your doctor said so.
- You have children.
- etc.
... then I might actually say "Yes, it appears you have a greater purpose at this point of your life then FFXI."

But I think it's a personal choice. Of course if you find FFXI not interesting, it'll be boring to you. I wouldn't watch a sports game, I'd find it boring. Yet there are people out there that have sports to give them their meaning of life. I couldn't imagine that for myself.

Anyway, I feel like I wasted my time with this post. You are trying to convince me that FFXI is a waste of time, and I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. :) I think it's a personal choice. You seemed to have made the choice FFXI isn't worth it, that's fine. People make choices every day. FFXI is just entertainment: "in the end" it probably won't matter which choice you made (except if you're sacraficing something for FFXI -- I'd urge people, in general, not to do that).

BTW: well written post. I enjoyed reading it. You should consider writing short novels and see how it goes.

[Padishar]

Kil'jaden, there was something about your post "offering help" and then seeing breasts bobbing in your signature that made me fade out of reality for a second: "Yes, I do need help."

:angel:

:thumbsup:

[Cassidy]

I can def. relate

If its a becoming a problem cancel and find something you feel is fulfilling

[Court]

EDIT: I just erased this whole reply.

Because quite honestly, I don't know what the hell my intention was in that post. I just wrote it. Don't take me too seriously, though. That's all I will comment on.

Court

[Negorath]

lol, was like reading some kind of poem.

[Zetsuei]

lol very funny but it does sound too realistic... That was some mad writing skill there O_o. Least you can play the game. Im still waiting for my new motherboard (with AGP slot : D) to come to me... oh yes... come on me.... blah!!! *flee*

[Kilgraw]

Interesting read, but worth reading. Spur of the moment writing always leads you places you never expect to go.

[Vittra]

I'm glad this thread was created, for one I would never have the writing techniques or time to let this kind of thing flow onto text, and 2 there really was a reason you created this thread. FFXI ruined your life and you know it......You know the warning in the intro to make yourself aware of your friends, your work, your family etc? This game has ruined all of that for me and I'll be the first to admit it..... Goddamn...

It's fulfilling to be happy and play, but in reality it leaves you miserable and alone. Don't cancel, but don't necessarily shrug off your free write....you have nothing to lose anymore except 12.95 if you decide it, which I know you won't. It's only one pizza a month...

I hate this game

[Court]

Vittra you are awesome.

Specifically: It's fulfilling to be happy and play, but in reality it leaves you miserable and alone

Beautiful.

[Vittra]

Thank you

[Lord Diablos]

I agree with u as well Vittra your right the game makes u more of a loser and it is WAY too edicting...and also makes your life worse in a way I truely hate the game as well.

[Vittra]

I cancelled SWG when starting this game as well. It wasn't ruthless and intoxicating enough to keep myself in stasis. And now I have to go back to watching FightClub once a week to keep myself in line.......But no, no time.

Ugh

[Vittra]

Talk to me.

[cram]

Court's intitial post is extremely well written prose, and I can tell it's pretty true in its way.

Like anything (aside from breathing), do it too much and it's not a good thing.

Drink too much alcohol and you become drunk. Drink too often and you become an alcoholic. Same with other drugs. Same with any activity. If all you do is work 18 hours a day THAT'S a problem. If all you do all day is get high that's a problem. If all you do is play sports (and never study) that's a problem, too.

Everything you do, ultimately, needs to fit the balance of your life and your goals for youself.

Try not playing at all for a week. Just unplug the pc (and thus, yourself). Go for some incredibly long walks (at least 2-3 hours per walk), each day during that week. Eat some very healthy meals. Sleep 8 hours a night for a week straight. Call your friends and go out once or twice. Call your parents (if they're alive and you're on at least okay terms). Draw a picture. Do the things you used to do before this game clouded your perspective.

Then, a week later, your body marginally healthier and your head somewhat clearer, ask yourself: do I still want to play this, and if I do, can I play this game responsibly? If the answer is yes, give it a try again, this time with an eye on NOT playing for obscene hours each day. If the answer is no, then simply cancel your accounts, snap your dvd's in half, and throw the whole thing away. If in doubt, throw it away. The risk is too great.

No game is worth your very life.

If you can't do this on your own, but you know something needs to be done, reach out for help from wherever you can get it.

I'm sorry this has happend to the people posting here (some of you), but it is what it is. I had to do this, but with cigarettes. A part of me still wishes I could smoke like 2-3 cigarettes a day. If I could somehow do that, without getting back to a full pack a day, I would. But I can't. I've tried. Many times. And everytime it comes back to full-on smoking. So I got the freakin' patch, went through the weaning period, and then the final freefall of a mental minefield where the devil-me kept trying, for months and months, to get me back to smoking. It almost drove me mad. Even pneumonia didn't stop me for long. But finally, one day, I stood in front of my mirror with an unlit cigarette in my hands. I said "I will NEVER smoke again." I snapped the cigarette in half. I then poured water over that cigarette and all the ones in the carton I had. I threw them out, put the patch on, and began the process of separating myself from my old life as a smoker. It sucked ass. It took a few tries, too. But it finally worked. For me, with smoking, there was no middle ground. It was all or nothing. If FFXI is for you like smoking is for me, then just cancel, destroy and find your FFXI-patch. It may sound ultra-cheesy, but joining a gym or a yoga class or an intramural sport (if you're in school) or some other social activity could be your patch.

Obviously, I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. I'm just someone who enjoys this game and reads here once in a while and who has also wrestled with addiction; I know how much addiction sucks. Sometimes you just have to snap the habit and get TOUGH with yourself to, ultimately, restore balance.

I wish you all good luck, I truly do.

[Court]

Cram that was beautifully written.

Props to you for quitting smoking for starters. I know a lot of people that have tried and failed miserably.

And I know exactly where you're coming from in regards to everything else.

Essentially, everything in moderation.

I appreciated all your comments and suggestions though. People need to read your post and take a few steps back.

These aren't just games. For a lot of people they're everything but an income.

Thanks for your comments Cram.

Court

[Vittra]

yea, very good post cram :(

:sweat:

[cram]

Your welcome, and in turn: thank YOU for taking my post in the spirit it was intended: advice, not indictment.

Take care, Court.

[Seance]

Beautiful

[Thark601]

Originally posted by Court


These aren't just games. For a lot of people they're everything but an income.



Can also be an income...

http://www.ige.com/ffxi/main.asp